Dating--Waste of Time?

It's not raining--it's windy and gray.  I've not written this week because I've been fighting my cold and trying to wrap up loose ends from the fall semester.  I almost forgot to go to my Thursday night writing class.  But I went--it's inspiring and intimidating.  Such fantastic authors!  They grab my mind and make me laugh.

I've not been in a chuckling mood.  On top of my little money funk, the man I'd been seeing decided that would be a good time to decide to see if he'd miss me if he didn't see me for a while.  I wish he'd had the honesty of the guy who said he didn't do relationships.  Mr. I Don't Do Relationships stated that when I first met him.  I knew with him at least it wouldn't be about love.  This one, I thought there was possibility (because I do think people can love if they want to--if they let themselves).

 The thing is, I can't figure out if that's just the type of man I attract.  Dating isn't fun enough for me to just play around.  I'm not interested.   I don't need validation that I'm attractive or can hold a conversation or even that I'm kind or affectionate--I know I'm okay.   I don't need an f-buddy...that's faux intimacy to me, you might as well buy a plastic doll or use an electrical device. Being intimate with another person--not just physically, but emotionally isn't some little la-de-da picnic.  But I figure if I can give love than I should be able to take it too.  I've not a clue about what the men I've known think they want or why they bother hanging out with women at all.  I realize they are wired to want to have sex, but at some point it's got to be boring without love.

I may be having experiences--but I wonder if it's just a big waste of time.  I had other things I would have been doing that I put aside to give a guy a chance--and it bothers me that for him it must seem that there's nothing there unless there are no problems.  My days are difficult--they are not the highlight of my life.  I'd like my love life to be juicy and interesting--without trepidation.  And yeah--if there are highs, then there will be lows.  Who wants to live without the real in life--that includes sorrow, pain, and joy?  I actually want something out of a partnership too.  Too bad.  I don't know how to attract that right now.  And I'm a little pissed about it.