Christmas Day I went to the market to buy a plant for the woman who planned to feed me that evening. When I was in line to check out I chatted with the woman in front of me who was a retired middle school principal. We commented about the state of Los Angeles' schools. The checkout girl joined in. She said her daughter didn't go to L.A. schools because she spent the school year with her dad in Colorado and that at the end of her work shift she'd be going to pick her little girl up.
This woman is in the same boat as me I thought.
"I have the same situation," I told her. "And I used to feel uncomfortable about what other people might think--like there was something wrong with me as a mother. I imagined they thought I was a drug addict or prostitute."
Not getting to chose how I wanted custody still bothers me, because I didn't get pregnant and give birth and spend the time I did taking off work, losing retirement contributions to not be with my kids. As a matter of fact, before I divorced I wanted to be working at home so that I'd be around whenever they needed me. On top of missing my kids--and them missing me (my youngest son was only 2 1/2 when my ex- and I split) I also felt stigmatized.
The evaluator who spoke to my kids at the custody hearing said that my ex husband and I were the same as parents and that the kids should stay in the same house. She didn't realize that I left the house to be away from him--and that he refused to leave. At the hearing my attorney did nothing--he didn't object or tell me what to do to change the decision. (And I was too blown away by that decision and the whole divorce process to think clearly at the time.)
It's been seven years and it is what it is. My kids and I made an attempt a few years ago to try to convince their dad to switch the custody (I have vacations and weekends and he has them during the week generally) without going to court, talking to a psychologist, but he refused. I've almost initiated a court review of the custody a few times because my youngest son doesn't get along with his dad and step-mother as well as he does with me, but we've managed to work things out. Fortunately, my sons enjoy being with me on weekends and vacations. I've accepted that life doesn't go the way you planned most of the time. We have a terrific time when we are together and that' what matters.
But I do have custody advice for women: I think all women should consider a prenup agreement before marrying. The custody of the children should be the woman's unless she's truly unfit--a drug addict or clinically mentally ill. If divorce settlements can be decided ahead of time, so can custody. When children are of the age to make the decision as to where they'd like to live, that also should be considered.
I know men are more involved as fathers now. But it seems to me that woman must be the main voice in deciding who raises the kids. A man is not a mother. And even in this age, it's women who makes the biggest sacrifices to be married. Women deserve to have their children--to not be considered the same as a man in this regard.
Since I've divorced I've met many women who've been in my situation. It's a devastating thing to have to work through. None of them are or were bad mothers.
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