But my therapist is right. There is "stuff" you do need to know regardless of how mesmerizing a potential partner might be. From a woman's point of view, you want to know if a man loves and values women, because if he doesn't there's no good place the two of you can go together. From the vantage of my almost forty-nine years I believe we are all wounded in some way. So, it's good to know which scars have healed, and which bumps and bruises might get irritated when two people collide. I can't figure out the question that would give me the information as to whether or not a man can handle getting bumped a bit--or whether he can handle my own reactions when I smack a bruise that hasn't healed. But maybe you can learn if he loves women and if he's up to a bit of self-examination.
Today my friend Lily commented that it seems like most people's questions are limited to taste. After two people decide there is an attraction, they limit their knowledge to finding out what kind of food, movies, music and books the other likes. Here are some more probing questions:
- "How long were you married?" or "How long was your longest relationship?"
- "Why did you divorce?" or "Why did you break up?" or "Why didn't you marry?" or "What did your wife die from?"
- "Have you had any therapy?" (I asked a guy who was divorcing a psychiatrist this once--it was funny.)
- "How long were your parents married?"
- "Were they happy?"
- "Did you have a good relationship with your mother?" (There's a movie, Shopgirl, in which a cold character played by Steve Martin asks this question of a potential lover. It made me wince--he clearly only had the capacity to have a sexual affair with the girl, but he asks her this as if he has insight into human behavior, even though he has none about his own. See the movie--it has a happy ending, but within it are some sad truths. Martin wrote Shopgirl as a novela.)
My therapist gets even more intense:
- "Were you breast or bottle fed?" (I just can't ask that of a stranger or even someone I know a little!)
- "How happy are the women in your family--grandmothers, aunts, sisters--how have they been treated?"
I'm only on nine!
- "Why did you/didn't you have children?"
I don't know if I can get to twenty.
- "What kind of relationship do you envision for yourself?"
- "Why do you want a relationship?" (I once saw a man who said he didn't "do" relationships. I didn't know exactly what he did "do"--well I do know, but if you don't go deeper than what some people are content with doing--again, a play on the theme of my friend Lily's comment--you miss an opportunity to learn and grow. Who else but those nearest and dearest can stir us up enough to learn about ourselves so we can grow? It's not always pretty--but still I'd like to be "stirred." I just don't want to be "shaken" so on with the questions:
- "Do you have sisters or did you grow up around other women?"
- "Did you date much in high school or college?"
- "Do you take any medication?"
- "Do you sleep well?""
Some of these are touchy:
- "Under what circumstances would you see more than one woman at a time?"
- "When do you think it's appropriate to be exclusive with one partner?"
- "Are you interested in living with a partner, getting married or just dating?"
- "When were you last tested for STDs and what were the results?"
- "What do you do for birth control?"
- "What charities/activities do you participate in?"
- "If a bum asked you for money, what would you give him/her?"
That's 21. I was going to start by asking: "What's your favorite color and how much do you weigh" because one of my favorite cartoons has a man just reaching the summit of a mountain where a Guru sits. And that's the caption. It made me laugh until I cried. I think there are many more questions to ask. These, I think are the scariest ones.
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